you need to throw me away
but keep my face
i’m obviously no good in this place
who am i
who i am going to be
it’s not who you want me to be
but you found me
and still love me
so why would you have to go

all my days are spent
not knowing
how you feel
insecure
you never tell me it’s okay
what if you find me lying on the floor
i just want a distant
it’s okay
or a small squeeze
meaning the same thing

that you are here
you will stay
you stand by

it’s early morning
and i see in your face
it’s mid day
and i still see in your face
i try and try and try
and you never
you never tell
you never speak

and it hurts
and i feel like shit

just speak

damnit just speak

ya sometimes i can
feel so sad
so scared
cry those unexpected tears
from unwanted fears

you tell me it’s okay
you say i’m your only
you tell me she lies
she’s wrong
there are no ties

and oh
i try to believe so

if you want to go
i’m not holding you back
it’s impossible
so you must want to stay
but baby we don’t have much room
for any mistakes

this isn’t easy
ya we both know
but i’m dreaming
of a field of truths
no matter how bitter
the air might be
the sky might sound

you know i’m standing
fragile
open
all for you
don’t make me a fool
no i deserve more

you know we love so hard
so long
so fast
it leaves scars
you melt my intensity
and drink the liquid rush
why should she care so much

if you weren’t true
weren’t real
why would our life
be so beautiful
oh but how does she know
why does she know
why can’t she just go
let her go
let her go

why can’t it just be me and you
saving each other
through and through
and true
you know how amazing it will be
the continuation of this
journey of discovery

oh how i love you.

i used to create patterns
with those crazy
candy coated razor blades
sugar ball gum drop
lick another lollipop
a restless trance
a reckless path
something that couldn’t last
and that was the past
but who’s to say what’s different now
the lines are still there
so carefully drew
they still bleed you know
if only for me to see

torn and tattered
black and bitter
cold and closed
on the inside
loved and loving
smiles and sunshine
hopes and happiness
from my everything, everyone
on the outside

but after a multiplicity
of events
sometimes there is nothing left
in my mind
that is
oh how i’d like
to draw some new
so bright on my pale
but there’s no where to hide
you see me from every view
and sometimes i think
i’m fading fast
just grasping on to that
feeling it might not last

ya i don’t know who i am
i barely even know
where i’ve been
but i’ve been there
and back
and not much has changed
just rearranged
into different shapes
different angles
different ways
but still the same

i’d guess
but maybe not
maybe i’m more alive
than i feel
maybe the outside is real
so ridding the inside
it’s such a hard task
there’s no defeating
that shiny and new
i still dream
of those candy coated razor blades
dripping honey and lemonade
the bright bliss
trickling down
the smile hiding the frown
that past that couldn’t last

why must you stay in our faces
why can’t you turn away
run away
to your field of wonder
you wanted out
you lied
and cried
to the wrong people
you knew what it would do
you like to deceive
you think it draws others to you
soon you will realize
what most already know
it’s only a matter of time
you are that lynch
snatches on to whatever
will give it life
it’s really pathetic
in everyones eyes
doll
just too many tries
just run away
my beauty lays over yours now
lays over him
i want him for the better
not to drown with
to live with
longer and better than you
could have ever dreamed of
in that messed up skull
oh doll
it’s only a matter of time
the lies

and well, i’ve already got him now, mine
give it up

i’m trapped on the outside
looking in
i always am
i hide up high
i hear my spoken words echo
as they hit the ground
slamming
bouncing off those you
might not have meant to say to me
and i see myself in your eyes
what a surprise
i don’t even recognize
oh baby help my find myself
swallow me whole and spit out the bad
find what’s gone wrong
cause you know somewhere
something
did
and baby bring me back down
to life
to level
so i can be in myself instead of above
cause oh how i want to feel
and not just act
you know i’d melt my cell bars
into a pool of black sins
if i were strong enough to swim across
why do i gotta fly so high
so low
crash and die
sleep forever
and i’d scratch the walls
until my fingers bleed
but it’d only reflect
all those wrongful things said
all those thin lines
i tend to try to cross
more often than not
but not on purpose
i’m only outside looking in

it’s just another masquerade
same prize behind every door
your prizes are so grand though
why am i sinking so low

it’s just another day
with my own trip
when you’re gone you know
and it gets so bad
it gets so lonely
so fucking monotonous
i want to cry
i want to scream
and i don’t mean to
not at you
or her
but then who

it’s my own fault
my own flaws
i’m the joker
i’m the reason behind
those black ish ties
those mysterious looks
those suspicious actions
those loving touches
those beautiful words

i’m still drummin’ away
everyday
harder than the last
faster than the past
even if i live the days
like a robot now
i’ll find my path again
i’ll find the lost answers
i’ll open my eyes
i have to
for something has to change
in me
in me
in me

behind these smiles
there’s a thousand miles
of traveled history
paths i’d rather not share
it’s my forbidden cities
they’ve been shaken

and ya maybe i’m not part
of that past of
yours
that journey so marked
out in your mind
there’s not much more room
all those dead end circles
led no where
you know now

and sometimes it seems we met
at the lost city
the hidden point
no map shows this anywhere
my love
you came down the
long, long road
to the unknown
flying fast.. really
to an abandoned land

and to me
because i’m so crazy
because i’m the right kind of pale
because i taste how you want
because i know how to get under skin
for those nights of endless calls
led to naked embraces
held silent
finally ours
only ours

and still..
you can’t help but think the worst in me
but honey
i only stand still these days
i wish you’d see
see that i’m over it
you’ll stay
or you’ll go
this fairytale home will always
just wait
there’s no decision that’s mine
no changing another mind
i just wait
in this marked territory
my territory
ours

some makes you feel good
some makes you feel great
and it’s all in the way it’s handed down to you in fate
some makes you feel nice
some makes you feel strong
and it’s all in the way you feel the love where you belong
and it’s only life
when you live twice
in our paradise
we’ll always meet on down the road.

hold his head and save your lover
dare to say that there’s no other
person that captures your eye
catch the hint of strange attraction
where’d you get your satisfaction
maybe i’m just your type.

she wants to hold his hand
she wants to lay him down
she wants to feel his body and his mind
she says she loves you
you can see the truth in her eyes
ain’t it funny what you see
in the night.

my flowers from valentines day are dying.
dead roses always make me sad.
doesn’t matter what it is i guess.. i can’t fight this sadness.
this heaviness.
i was backed against a wall today.
by no one but myself..
and i cried.. for a long time..
into my wet, shiny hair.

i have so much inspiration around me.. my wonderful poet, my incredible meleia, michele’s photos, my family.. just so so much. yet i still remain mute. almost unable to even gather enough written words to even make sense.. i’m at a loss and in fact, i don’t like it at all…

Today would have been Kurt Cobain’s 42nd birthday. I’ve always wanted to visit his grave.. Washington is such a beautiful place.. sigh. Self inflicted gun shot wound.. Still all the stories, the rumors.. etc. I remember. I remember Courtney Love reading his suicide note aloud.. A brilliant, brilliant man. Earth shattering words, right down to his last ones written. How I awe those who can express everything so clearly, so beautifully… (including my poet) Of course..
“I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …” An unfortunate death.

sigh
I don’t know where to turn.
I have it all in the palm of my hand..
and I can’t stop the tears.
Let’s go to bed and sleep forever??