so lately i have been out of sorts.. we all know this.. slowly i am getting things figured out, i’d like to think.. along the way i am helping someone else figure things out long over due as well… and i think together, we will make it.  atleast we are trying.  and willing.  and our love is strong.   strong.  i haven’t  been able to write lately.. i am hoping tofind words again soon… douglas has started writing again.. amazing poems for me.  thanks baby.  i know things are far from perfect right now, in a lot of ways.. but i hold faith that soon everything will be … normal again.  whatever normal is… i love you, douglas.

i realize often when i’m alone at night, when meleia is asleep and douglas is at work… how lucky i really am. we have an amazing daughter.. truly amazing. we don’t have to share her, we are her parents… and douglas takes on the role of her father more and more everyday.. lately i’ve been getting a complete break for an hour before he goes to work so i can watch my “show” he takes her to do things when i am not feeling well… he allows her to do things that mommy won’t.. and he has stolen her heart.. i sing ” my girl, my girl, talking about myyyy girl” to her often.. it’s now changed by her to ” my girl, my girl, talking doses girrrrrl” she has become attached. i never thought it would happen. i never thought i’d chance any man hurting her again after her biological dad turned out the way he did.. but here we are, i took the chance, and i’m having luck for once..
douglas is accepting me.. and my crazy hormones.. he is trying his best to understand what i am going through and he rarely gets upset with my actions.. i know i am acting out of control at times, but… hello.. two babies?? he works so much at cargil, but still manages to get things done that need taken care of around that house that i can’t do… as well as still catering to my cravings, needs, anything…
he writes for me still.. daily. how amazing is that.. it really can make me in a better mood when i see what he has come up with next… check him out here…   and although his staying up so late at night can bug me at times… atleast i know that he will be able to do it with the babies!!!
speaking of which.. i know that he is going to do everything possible to make sure that out life remains as perfect as it is now, even when the babies arrive. we both know this is not going to be easy.. but as he has said, our love is really strong.. and seems capable of surviving anything.. with that on our side, everything has to be okay.. i know how difficult this is going to be.. i know how wore out and tired i will become.. i know how much extra work it’s going to require… jumping from a three person family to a five is quite the change.. anyone would be scared… but we can do it.. atleast i’m an organized person i guess.. lol
basically i just wanted my douglas to know how much i greatly appreciate everything he is doing for me right now.. there is no way i would be standing without him…
i love you baby.. so so much.

i’m not sure what i did to receive another new ring from douglas… beings i’m so grouchy and hard to get along with lately.. maybe it’s because i’m carrying twins, for him… whatever it was, i am thankful.  this makes the fifth ring he’s given me, each time with a special promise behind it.. promises he has yet to break..

it’s beautiful.  in the picture it’s hard to see, but it has hearts on each side of the diamond..

thank you my douglas..

since i recently just got out of my second, four day hospital stay within a month, i figured it was time that i made “thee post”… obviously most everyone already knows what is going on, but i guess it’s just now i am actually able to accept it fully, and write about my feelings.. being a little over 13 weeks now, i’ve had a lot of time to deal with this change in my life, yet it seems i am still as confused as ever… or as scared. i have been re assured, over and over and over again by so many that it is normal to feel like that, that everything is going to be okay, that i’m a great mom and i will do perfect… yet here i am.. my heart beating to my nerves. douglas and i are having twins… yes. i said it. these will be the first, and only, of douglas’s actual biological children- so this makes me very proud. i am so worried about meleia and how she will deal with the change… i know she will be a great help, i am just so worried that she will feel left out… it’s hard to explain. in my heart i can’t help but wonder (and i’ve been told this is also normal) how my heart will expand enough to have love for all of these children.. i can’t imagine another child being as perfect or as precious as meleia, it’s hard for me to fathom.. but i know once i meet them, that will all change and i will have so much love for everyone, in different ways… we are actually at a pretty good point in our lives right now, so that is a plus. i still also, can not imagine having two babies at once!!! oh lord. besides the pain aspect!!! yes, my dr wants this delivery natural unless deemed completely out of the question at the time.. but the sleepless nights, the crying and crying!! goodness. it’s going to be a trip, that’s about all i can say right now.. but i know douglas will do a lot of the night time for me… and well, it’ll be okay physically- this is draining me badly so far… a lot of hospital stays, medicines, machines, vomiting, crying… lol. not too mention i have very little energy anymore, which kills my ocd ass.. and within about ten weeks i will be on bed rest!! i guess she is considering me a “high risk pregnancy”.. twins can be very difficult. emotionally.. i am a mess… very grumpy, very depressed, but then i have my wonderful moments as well.. hopefully that gets better soon too.. douglas is doing a very terrific job of helping with everything, while working.. he is so good with meleia, with cleaning the house up, running the errands…. really i couldn’t ask for better.. and i’m sorry that i’m so bitchy honey!!! really.. i can’t help it.. ugh. so as of right now i will see the dr every two weeks, and have an ultrasound every four.. there will definitely be more posts to come… for now, a few pictures …

the beautiful flowers from douglas this hospital stay.. i now have too many plants to take pictures of

baby “A” at 12 weeks…

baby “B” at 12 weeks…

and.. my pregnant belly at 13 weeks…

pray for us and thank everyone for their support during this rough time!!!

we all know i’ve been going through a lot of stress lately due to multiple reasons.. and now at least one thing has been lifted off my chest.. i finally got the truth from douglas about what had really happened with his psycho ex the past couple weeks.. i trust he is telling me the truth now.. and i can only also trust that his word is true, and i am the only one.. so here is the letter i received from my love… proving to me that my heart beats again, and all i really needed was to hear the truth. the girl means nothing to me anymore… as i’ve said before, she is out there.. like really bad.. and i have nothing to worry about.

“My Dearest Lyndsay,

There’s surely been pain, distrust, lying and a little bit of hell felt by both of us lately. And you being the perfect lover and best friend had made me somewhat dishonest, but never unfaithful to you as you are my muse. At this moment you’re saying to yourself;

“how does being the perfect lover and best friend make you dishonest with me dose?”

Because I can NEVER lose you Lyndsay, that’s why, it’s that simple.

The number 5? The number fucking 5? Yeah baby, I’m a little insane you know. I parked….
(you can read the rest of this paragraph at www.dosepoet.com)
Misty called me back just after this and I’m pretty sure she saved my life for you and our family.

You’ll see the bill.

I made it home and tried to lay in bed next to you so fucking sexy, but looking at the ceiling fan reminded me of the number 5 and I had to get up and leave the room. Thank god you came after me and said “baby let’s go downstairs and smoke a cigarette” when you did. I remember I was on the couch with a blank stare counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… over and over while in between saying:
“the number, 5 the number 5, THE NUMBER 5.”

And after much thought and more conversation with Misty on the subject over the next few days, I know what I am about to tell you is the TRUTH that you deserve. Because you’re my MUSE, my most perfect LOVER and BEST friend. If you want to be, baby YOU can be my Konstantine.

Tonight - the Friday night of your first doctor’s appointment - I am giving you truth.

Ten days ago on a Tuesday night I was drunk - you know why. I sent Meghan a text message saying something to the point of;

“you don’t have to keep lying and sending fake fucking emails to break us up, Lyndsay is doing just fine in that area of our relationship on her own.”

Immediately my phone rang and it was her. We did talk about your and my current situation, as well as what it was going to take for her to go away FOREVER. She said her domain name would suffice. I was supposed to call her back but I never did. I could never do that to you - dial her number. Texting her was already a bigger mistake than I knew at the time.

Well, 2 nights later I was in bed next to you and you were HOME from that secret hell you posed on me. I felt so perfect with you, everything was going to be so perfect as your love has always been as true as true for me. My phone started vibrating. I looked and it was her. I didn’t answer but did not hit ignore either. She called like 7 times in a row this way and finally I grabbed the phone and ran down to the basement and answered;

“what the fuck???”

She complained that I had not called and I told her you were home and safe. She said to me and this is the complete truth;

“if she ever has your babies I’ll never talk to you again and we’ll never get back together.”

Are you fucking kidding me? That psycho bitch thinks I’d go back with her after she tried to destroy me?

I did appease her and just simply said;
“I know, I know.”

I got her off the phone, but I did try to keep her tame a while longer over the next day when my phone broke. I sent her text messages from my old phone to let her know.

Now, during the time before her first and second call to me, I did call US Cellular and change my billing address. I had to baby. At this point in our lives, with so much at stake and knowing I was innocent, you could NOT see my phone bill. It was pretty blond of me to give her this information, but I did.

It’s 4AM. I started writing this letter at 3….(again you can read the rest of this paragraph as well at www.dosepoet.com)

I love you so much; this alcoholic, poet, madman, loves you with all his heart, for you are his muse, his light, his every WORD.

I will never be unfaithful to you, not even in my little insane mind.
Forever your dosePoet,
d.

PS. Fuck you, Meghan. It’s all over, for you.”

so there it is in all it’s glory.. and the last line says the most.  hopefully we will now be able to turn the other way, go about our life, which is getting better everyday.. and forget. 

i love you douglas.  thank you for the truth.

it’s always safe here.