My immortal – Evanecense

“I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along”

this song randomly came on my ipod tonight.. everytime i hear this song i cry..it’s the only time that i can really cry though, and know why.. so that’s good. right?  my dear cousin joni sang this song at my grandfather’s funeral.. it always reminds me of him.. he was a good man.. a good father.. a very hard worker.. a terrific grandfather.. he had the best sense of humor, loved life and being outdoors and with family.. goodness, i could go on and on.. and i do regret not spending more time with him than i did now, which i’m sure we all say once someone we love passes.. but, we were all there in the end.. and he saw us and knew how much love was in that hospital room… i do miss him.. and i believe he was the kind of  man that everyone who knew him felt honored.. i wish he could have met meleia.. we miss you gramps.

it was such a beautiful day out.. i got a lot of errands done.. and i got to spend a little time with my douglas being his silly self and got a picture of him in his st. patty’s day gear..

i took meleia for a walk.. to blow bubbles.. and write on our whole sidewalk with chalk…

no green beer.. but a good day all in all.. i’m getting anxious for a change.. something different in our life.. i really want a job.. i really need to get out more.. i need to try to make myself more happy since it doesn’t matter how happy meleia and my doug can make me, until i can do it myself as well.. so… i know i always say it.. but soon a major change has to happen .. i really need a car and a job.. and i think i’ll feel better about things.. i love staying at home with meleia.. and i love cleaning and keeping the house and everything up.. but i need to get out some.. it gets too depressing always doing the same thing at home.. i don’t know.. maybe i’m just rambling and it doesn’t even make sense.. i just still am trying to get something inside me changed… blah.
again.. happy st. patrick’s day!!

we had such an amazing time saturday… it took two days to recover.. haha.  we did a lot of shopping  ;) ahhh… my favorite thing (although now that tax spree is over i’m going to stop being so frivolous in my spending.. we all are around here.. i swear) but we all got lots of goodies and then we headed out with joni, paige, and joe to the hull ave tavern and then to the lumberyard. haha. we had such fun..ended up staying out really late and i got sick 

BUT it was definelty worth the throwing up for all this….

my tutu!!

me and douglas at the bar

it’s always a plus to see joni

oh and also…  i finally bought doug his birthday present.. a panasonic sdr h40 video camera with 40 GB HDD.  he loves it.. and i’m happy to put that smile on his face.. it’s awesome and we should be getting some great videos soon!! check out the pics at www.dosepoet.com

but i guess a terrific weekend could lead to the start of a bad week.. or at least a bad day.. i guess i can’t get much right today.. there are a lot of things running and crashing around in my head.. a few things that need worked and talked out, probably.. there is that what if or something bad is going to happen feeling in the air.. and i don’t like it..

so the in-law’s.. (or not exactly yet but i like to call them that) sent us some pictures.. i had to post just because they are too cute.. and they make me laugh. i truelycan not wait to meet them. they raised a wonderful man and i can tell how much they love him every time we speak with them.. they have accepted meleia and i with open arms as well.. they are hilarious people.. and good hearted.. and this is their bunny on their front porch.. just another thing that makes me smile about them  :) we love you guys!!

ah… complete beauty… i’m in awe.  as much as i am not into being outside (haha), i would give anything to have just a few days here.. no meleia.. no one.. except my douglas (i’ll need pleasure from him;) ).. it is so perfect.  i want to flutter on these decks naked.. i want to lay on my back in the water.. i want to see the stars from the reflection in his eyes… oh take me there… please.  i can’t believe how amazingly beautiful it is.. i can only imagine how much better it is in person..

a lot of randomness tonight..
but feeling okay.. feeling loved.. feeling hopeful..

meleia’s tutu that came… adorable.

some notes from by baby…


and the jekyll and hyde alcohol bottles that are cool as hell.. we should have bought one to drink as well, since i insisted as using these as decoration.. but the jekyll is supposed to be like a berry-ish flavor.. and the hyde and a black licorice flavor.. ick!! one day maybe we’ll try them..

i went outside baby
ya let that sun light reflect
this soul
showing, shining on me
pale and innocent
how i wished you there
to cover me
make me yours
make beauty for all to see

that was a week ago baby
it’s cold now
raining
but i still want you here
want you to cry in the wetness
with me
want you to stand and let the water
wash our sins
away

we could start over
throw out those bottles
those bottles that get
us no where at the bottom
how i hate the bottom
of the bottle

time will take over though
throw more things into place
not too many pieces are missing now
we’ve found that line
where we love
where we laugh
where we share
where we shine

no matter what
i want you here
in the sun
the rain
and bottom of the bottle or not

(just a long as there is no madness involved )
i wish i knew how to get back into the groove of things.
sometimes i’m okay.. sometimes i’m not.
and there is no apparent reason…
for now. it’s the upside.

doug got to take the day off work friday for his birthday.. ya, a little late.. but. we made a fun day.. taking meleia for a walk.. going shopping.. burger king.. and he took me to get my belly button re pierced. very cute neon green and pink hearts barbell saturday and sunday we were joyfully lazy… and spent quality time at home… meleia conned a new spongebob video out of dose.. and mommy got a beautiful new necklace..
yes. still being spoiled. that is not the only reason why i love weekends though.. i love being able to go to sleep at the same time as doug. i love that i can lay there and talk about the silliest things for an hour (like just being thankful for having a roof over our heads) and he will just laugh with me.. it’s those special moments before falling asleep.. those moments of laying there, breathing in only each other.. that makes everything worth while.. seems we only really get those on the weekends because of his schedule.. at least makes them something to hold on to.

“.. so tell me why i don’t like monday…”

very beautiful day outside today.. although i hate being outside, i figured meleia would much appreciate it.. so we headed to the park.. fun time, actually.. with some good photos. got to hang with my mother.. missed mr. douglas though.. and actually did something productive… amazing 

i’m feeling a little better this week.. my child on the other hand isn’t. she’s having a rough week.. crying. crying. crying. sometimes. i could loose my mind i think… ahhh.. children. love her to pieces though.

“And I’ll cry for you
Yes, I’ll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I’ll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it’s for you
And I’ll take everything
As it comes my way
Pushin’ your pain ’round my door
And I’ll cry for you yes I’ll die for you
Is this blood on my hands all for you?”
-Candelbox, You

a lot of randomness. my mood. i miss him.. sometimes when he thinks i’m sleeping he whispers that he’s gonna marry me.. i pretend not to hear…sigh. i love him so.

we had a very quiet, but wonderful weekend around here..
Friday night I had a few drinks with a good friend I haven’t seen in a long time! We had fun and it was nice to see her.

saturday was spent with doug and meleia.. running errands, cleaning up the house and outside.. we watched IOWA– ah. what a portrayal of our town. lol. i think doug is going to blog about it later..

sunday was our nine month anniversary. <3
i still love him just as much, if not more.. as i on day one..
he wrote me a beautiful poem..
“and everything you do
is everything I need
it’s everything you do”
read the rest on www.dosepoet.com
and he got conned into buying meleia a stuffed animal at the gas station…
and going to mcdonalds in the middle of the night for me..
yes. that’s what true love is.

i hope all had a wonderful weekend…

i.. still am having the terrible problem of writer’s block.. everything block. lol. so.. tonight.. instead of dwelling once again on that fact.. i thought i would share some of those who inspire me daily.. and who have amazing talent.

“Me: Let’s start with the basics. Not to be overly tacky, but this ride has a weight limit. I’ve received 4 morbidly obese matches. We’re talking Chris Farley, John Candy big. I’m not making a judgment about anyone’s weight, but that’s just not going to work for me, personally and possibly physically. Second, you can just go ahead and cross off anyone who is not in possession of a full set of teeth, wearing a wife beater or a cowboy hat, actually anything in the “redneck” family is a no-go.. and last but definitely not least, if they own a snake, are pictured with a snake or even mention a snake, then absolutely do not send them to me.
Cathy: Jennifer, do you really think that receiving possibly toothless, redneck, snake owning matches is going to be a persistent problem?
Me: Cathy, you sent me 2 of them in the last 24 hours.
Cathy: Oh.”

thank god for these around me that help inspire me daily.. and help me remember the beauty in all it’s forms.. thank you all. all my love.

so.. here i am.. now addicted to www.etsy.com
recommended by the long, lost miss pankhury <3
omg. there are soooo many cute things that i am dying to have for me.. meleia.. doug.. the house.. lol. lord.